I found this book written by Glenn Boozan, and it has changed my perspective on being a working mom.  I wish I had found this years ago!  This little gem takes 5 minutes to read but contains the greatest message.  The full title is “There Are Moms Way Worse Than You, Irrefutable Proof That You Are Indeed a Fantastic Parent”.  Since my last post, my husband and I have become empty nesters.  We did it, we made it to the other side.  While I am certainly enjoying this shift, I’m a mom, and will always be a mom, whether they are underfoot or scattered throughout the country!  I have been a working mom since December 11, 2000.  That’s 25 years of balancing a career, a family, a home, all of the things.  And man have I felt some guilt, shed some tears, had a few tantrums, and even screamed A LOT!  As women, we are so often our worst critics.  We work our asses off and it just never seems to be enough, can you relate?  I hope you have had a chance to read the book, if not, that’s ok, you can do it in your free time next month…..like we have free time! 

I want to start this month’s blog with a story that I heard at church on Easter Sunday.

A 2^nd grade teacher asked her students what they wanted to be when they grow up.  She received many of the typical answers.  Bobby said he wanted to be a doctor.  Jimmy said he wanted to be a football player in the NFL.  Sally said she wanted to be an engineer (GO SALLY).  Jessica said she wanted to own horses.  But then Olivia’s answer shocked the teacher.  Olivia said “I want to be possible”.  The teacher. Not understanding her response, asked her again what she wanted to be when she grew up.  Olivia’s answer remained the same “I want to be possible”.  The teacher tried again to explain the question in a different way and Olivia remained steadfast in her response.  Finally, the teacher said “Olivia I just don’t understand your answer, what do you mean you want to be possible”?  Olivia responded “My mom tells me all the time ‘Olivia, you are IMPOSSIBLE’, so when I grow up, I want to be possible”.

I don’t know why this story had such an impact on me.  It is proof that our children do listen to us, so many days I believe they literally have selected hearing.  It also means that they process and think through what we say to them.  That’s powerful, and a little scary.  How many times have we said something in the heat of the moment, when frustrated, when overwhelmed, that we don’t really mean, or the minute we say it, we wish we didn’t?  And here comes the mom guilt.  Well at least I’m not a lanyu skink, they eat their eggs when things get tough, just to avoid the drama.

Raise you hand if you have ever forgotten, or left, your kid somewhere.  Right here, waving my hand.  In 2012, I took a new job about an hour commute from where we lived, with no traffic.  The kids were in the same private school but two different locations.  I was in a hurry to get to my oldest daughters’ soccer game.  I grabbed the little one from school and headed to the soccer game, arriving just at kickoff.  After about 30 minutes the school principal says to me, where’s Ashton?  At first, I was confused, then my face turned red, I started to sweat, and found my self unable to answer.  Oh my god, I forgot him at school.  I literally hadn’t even realized that he wasn’t there.  Poor middle kid, always gets the shaft!  But worst of all, the principal was the one who called me out.  I was mortified.  I picked up the youngest one, we ran to the car, and headed to get my son.  He was the last one at school.  One poor teacher was sitting there with him waiting for his delinquent mom.  I hung my head, apologized, and headed back to the soccer game.  Well at least I’m not a giraffe, she will give birth to a calf, then proceed to kick him until he walks.

How many of you have joked with your friends about putting money away for your kids college AND therapy!  None of us are perfect, kids don’t come with instructions, we do the best we can and make decisions as we go.  Sometimes those decisions are poor!  We all wish we had done something better, faster, or different.  But in the end, we did the best we could.  They may need therapy and we’ve been a good parent and provided health insurance and saved money for their deductible.  We literally could paralyze ourselves with guilt, but I do believe if you love them and do the best you can they will recognize and appreciate you.

Let’s talk about the latest Mama drama that is tugging at everyone’s heart strings, Punch.  If you have not shed a tear, or two, for Punch, either you are not human or have been living under a rock.  Just in case you are not familiar, let me bring you up to speed.  Punch is a 7 month old, Japanese macaque, or “snow monkey” that was born in the Ichikawa City Zoo in Japan.  Shortly after he was born his mother rejected him, with no mom to protect him he was bullied by the other monkeys, he was lonely, and its all on the internet.  Punch has gone viral, viral for his treatment but also because of a $20 IKEA orangutan that he drags everywhere.  His caretakers gave him the plushie in hopes it would bring him comfort.  Well now it is bringing people comfort all over the world as it is sold out and on backorder!  What a windfall for Punch and for IKEA.

Why do I care so much about Punch?  Is it maternal instinct or something even more basic?  We care because we can relate, there is a little bit of Punch in all of us.  We have all felt deserted, lonely, scared, or isolated at one time in our lives, hell maybe even yesterday or last week.  We can identify with Punch’s emotions, or what we interpret as his emotions.  We may never know definitively why Punch’s mom abandoned him but it may be for the same reasons a human mom might not feel a strong connection to her baby.  It could stem from age, health, inexperience, many factors may contribute.  “In the 1950s, US researcher Harry Harlow conducted a psychology experiment using resus monkeys that examined the bond between parents and children.  He removed baby monkeys from their mothers, then gave one set of babies a soft monkey shaped doll and the other set a wire cage in the shape of a monkey that could dispense food and water.  The monkeys spent significantly more time clinging to he soft dolls than to the wire cages, showing that primate relationships involve a whole lot more than meeting a child’s basic biological needs.  This is the basis for attachment theory, which underlies our understanding of human development and parent-child relationships.  The bottom line: We are hardwired for affection.”¹

Have no fear, Punch seems to be making friends and is being accepted into the village.  His village has become his family.  Much like myself, I love my family deeply, but need my village.  Finding your village is so important to your career, your mental health, and your physical health.  We all need to find those people that know when you need solutions vs when you just need an ear or a shoulder to cry on.  We need those people that can slap us up side the head when we need it, figuratively speaking of course.  And we need those people that we can laugh with, the kind of laughing that makes your abs and your cheeks hurt, sometimes laughing at nothing at all.

I write this blog with the intent to make light of a very serious topic.  Motherhood is no joke.  It can be extremely trying at times and truly, almost cause us to break, make our hearts explode, and make us question our sanity.  As Boozan says in the book:

So when you feel exhausted, or there’s too much on your plate,

As long as you don’t eat your baby? Yeah, you’re doing great.

Raising kids is chaos; there is no ideal path

Like anything worth doing, motherhood will kick your ass.

Bottom line: Be kind to yourself.  We’re all just figuring it out as we go.  Every kid is different, they don’t come with an instruction manual.  You cannot do everything and only YOU expect that of yourself.  You CAN have a career, a family, hobbies, free time, you just have to prioritize and DO IT!  Even if it’s taking a walk at lunch.  Reading a chapter in a book.  Find a gym with a daycare.  Where there is a will there is a way.  You will have mom guilt.  Your kids will master the art of making you feel guilty, but if you are present when you are with them, they will grow up appreciating the time they do have with you.  It is such a cliché, but the years do go by so fast.  I feel like I blinked and now have one kid in grad school and two in college.  How did that happen?  When I sit back and look at them, I was far from perfect, I lost my shit a lot, hell I even lost my kid once, but they are good humans.  They know right from wrong.  They make mistakes, sure but the fundamentals are there, they’re learning.  More credit should go to them, rather than me, but I did alright, I think.  Maybe I need to wait and get their future spouses’ opinion on that, but for now, I will give myself a small pat on the back.

1 Here’s Why Everyone’s Talking About Punch the Monkey

I recently found this recipe and it has become a go to treat, so easy and it looks like a million bucks and tases like two million.  Enjoy. 

Chocolate Mandarin Tart

Crust:

1 C flour

1/3 C unsweet cocoa powder

1/3 C sugar

½ tsp salt

½ C unsalted butter, melted

Filling:

6 T unsalted butter, cold and cut into pieces

1 ¼ C heavy cream

Zest of 2 mandarins and a good squeeze of juice from one mandarin

2 C semisweet chocolate chips

1 mandarin cut into thin slices and sprigs of rosemary for garnish

Preheat oven to 350

Make the crust and press into a 9” tart pan (with a removeable rim) coated with cooking spray.  Make sure to evenly distribute on the bottom and that sides of the tart pan

Set the tart pan onto a baking sheet and bake 12-15 minutes, cool in fridge while making the filling

In a 3-4 Qt pot, melt the butter, cream, and mandarin zest.  Bring to a simmer and then reduce to low.  Stir frequently so it doesn’t stick on.  Add the chocolate chips and mandarin juice and whisk until smooth.  Pour into the cooled shell, bang gently on the counter to smooth the top.  Chill for 2-4 hours in the fridge.

When set, remove from pan and garnish with mandarin slices and rosemary.