Why is it so damn hard to be a female in the corporate world?  I have spent my entire career trying to fit in, trying to be heard, and trying to be like my male counterparts.  WHY?  Women have so many skills and talents that men don’t have, why don’t we celebrate those and use them to our advantage? 

Women are nurturing, we are empathetic, we are multitaskers, we are strategic – all traits of a strong leader.  Yet we tend to hide our nurturing and empathetic traits in fear of being seen as weak or overly emotional.  When we use our voices or exert our ourselves, we are sometimes seen as bitchy.  Has anyone ever called a man bitchy?  Not that I have heard.

Some of the worst offenders – women to women.  Why are we threatened by each other?  Not only at work but in our day to day lives.  Women need to build each other up, have each other’s backs, and celebrate each other’s successes. 

I am an avid reader, fiction mostly, but I do try to throw in a self-help or non-fiction book every now and then.  I am currently reading By Any Other Name, by Jodi Picoult (love her btw).  I am reading for fun and did not expect to find any nuggets related to this blog topic but low and behold I found this gem.

She did not understand why a woman’s accomplishments had to come at the price of a man’s worth – as if there were a finite amount of success in the universe, as if letting another into that sacred space meant someone already there would be evicted.

WOW.  Take a minute and read that again.  It says at the price of a man’s worth but substitute that with a woman’s worth.  We are always going to be competing with one another for a promotion, or a raise, or an opportunity.  That competition should drive our passion and growth, not bring out the fangs and knives.  Noone understands what it means to be a working mom like another working mom.  Noone understands what its like to be passed over for a promotion, that went to a man, more than another woman who was passed over.  Noone understands what its like to be the only strong female at the table, like another strong female at another table.  We are all trying to navigate this environment, there is power in camaraderie and strength in numbers.  Step up for each other.  Cover for each other.  Be a voice of reason.

I have worked with “mean girls”.  I have had to watch my back and watch what I say, it is not productive nor is it conducive to success.  It is emotionally and physically draining.  I spent hours trying to navigate that situation when I could have been doing so many more productive things to move the business forward.  We could have been collaborating to grow the business instead of sending CYA emails (in case you have not sent one – that means cover your ass).  CYA emails become prolific when there is a lack of trust in the organization. I have found that these situations are best addressed head on, with candor.  Ask the person why they find it difficult to work with you.  Ask them how you can collaborate and foster a better working relationship.  Let them know that you see them, and see their actions, and are not threatened by them, and in fact, very much want to work with them.

Moral of the story:  It is not ok to put another person down to build yourself up.  There is room for all of us to be successful, just like Jodi Picoult said!

During a planning meeting with senior leaders earlier this year, to discuss who on our teams should be invited to a strategy meeting, I was listing people on my team, and their teams, that I thought would add value to the discussion and bring different perspectives to the table.  One of my peers was looking at me quizzically and finally stopped me and said “Do you know the name of every person on your team?”  I was shocked, dumbfounded actually.  Isn’t that part of being a leader, or greater yet, being a human: of course I know the names of everyone on my team, and yours!  I know most of their significant other’s names, children’s names, and pet’s names too.  Relationships are the foundation of my career. 

I believe our ability to build relationships is a key differentiator between female leaders and our male counterparts.  We have an ability to connect with people at all levels of the organization.  We all have a job to do, but can we not be kind and empathetic while doing it?  How much time does it take to say good morning, and ask how the game went last night?  That little bit of humanity means so much to me, I believe it is important to others as well.  When people feel valued, their productivity, passion, and desire to win increase.  Now building relationships does present its challenges.  Sometimes, as a leader, you have to make tough decisions based on the business needs and the future strategy and growth of the company.  I have had to eliminate roles, let people go that I have relationships with.  I carry that burden of knowing that what is right for the business at the time is most likely not what is best for their family.  That is gut wrenching.  I rely on my emotional intelligence as a female leader to make these life changing events as non-disruptive as possible.  Don’t get me wrong, it still sucks!

I want to share another very recent story, not directly related to being a female leader but related to the power of communication and human connection. Last week I had the most amazing experience, and it was the most amazing experience for me because it was 💯 NOT ABOUT ME!  I traveled to Washington DC as a guardian on an Honor Flight.  Honor Flight is a national organization that flies veterans, absolutely free to them, to Washington DC to see the monuments. Many have never been before, many have, but seeing them with a group of their piers provides even a heightened experience.

My veteran was in Vietnam, he was a spotter in an aircraft. He would ride along with the pilot, on night missions, using radar to search for any heat signatures so they knew where the enemy was. He said if they were using a single piece of charcoal to cook rice, he could see it.

My veteran told me a story, from his time in Vietnam. He was out on a mission and was radioed that there was an attack at his bunker. They waited to return until it was safe. Their bunker had in fact been hit by mortar fire. His bunk was on the first level and sustained no damage however, the second floor had significant damage. There was one bunk in particular that he took notice of as it was covered in shrapnel. He said he wondered for over 50 years what happened to the guy in that bunk.

Fast forward to the morning of the Honor Flight. My veteran hears another veteran talking about his time in Vietnam and hears familiar details. He walks over and says:

My veteran- did you say you were in the Delta

2nd vet – yes. I was at this camp

My veteran – I was at that camp too. I was there in 69-70

2nd vet – I was there in 69-70.  We took heavy mortar damage to the bunk

My veteran – we did too. I remember seeing a bunk on the 2nd floor covered in shrapnel

2nd vet – that was me, they airlifted me to a Japanese hospital where I was put back together before returning home

HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN – these two men didn’t know each other, were on the same honor flight, put the pieces together, both live in GA, about 30 miles apart, and have now connected for life. As we were leaving, they made plans to get together. I had goose bumps listening to the entire interaction.  This man put it out into the universe that he had an unmet need, to know what happened to that man in the bunk…..and the universe answered!

My challenge: each day, say good morning to someone different and make a personal connection with that person.  It will make both you, and them, feel more connected, and you never know, you might both be suffering with the same challenge or complement each other in solving a problem.  They may have a specific skill that you are missing or have a connection to someone else that might help you in your role.  Human connection is amazing!

I had another very thought-provoking situation recently.  In my most recent role as Senior Vice President of Global Quality, I reported directly to the CEO (a male).  Last summer we had an off-site investor day where many of the senior executives presented our five-year growth strategy to current and potential investors.  I was not asked to present, that is not shocking as quality can be a product differentiator but not typically something you would present specifically on.  However, I was in town as the entire leadership team had a strategy session the next day.  After investor day the CEO took the entire team out to dinner, I was excluded.  Even though I was not presenting at investor day, why would I not be invited to dinner? 

Fast forward to November, we are in the midst of team bonding as a senior leadership team.  The facilitator of the session also happened to be my executive coach, great guy by the way!  He asked the team if there was anything that prevented the team from working in unity, why did we not fully trust each other?  I shared the story of the investor day and how the team was divided, I felt left out.  The feedback was well received and I felt like a weight had been lifted as I had carried around that grudge for the past 5 months.  However, later in the day I mentioned it again and it was not so well received.  Why?

The next day I had a chance to catch up with my executive coach to discuss my interactions in the strategy meeting.  He commended me on having the guts to speak out, for using my candor to share a situation that caused me festering angst.  He said the information I shared and the points I made were valid.  However, when I brought it up the second time it came across more as whining, beating a dead horse if you will. 

Moral of the story: speak up for yourself, if you don’t, no one else will but be thoughtful in your delivery.

I went home that day and made Whoopie Pies.

What is a Whoopie Pie:

Well for starters, it was dubbed the official treat of the state of Maine in 2011 by Governor Paul LePage. It is widely accepted that the Whoopie pie dates back to Labadie’s Bakery in Lewiston, Maine, which began making these treats in 1925, and that continue to make them today.   Whoopie pies are found in bakeries, eateries, and trading posts widely, but its roots in Maine go back generations. This delicious and simple pastry has never quite been classified exclusively as a cookie, a pie, or a cake. The unique versatility of the Whoopie pie fits the criteria for all of these goodies, and it seems to stand in a category all its own.  A true Maine ‘whoopie’ consists of two dark-chocolate rounds, around the size of a hamburger, with a rich, dense filling sandwiched in-between. Most imposters have shrunk the size of the whoopie down to a cookie size, in Maine, the bigger the better!  Some bakers have adapted this traditional treat to include pumpkin, maple, or gingerbread rounds, typically offered during the fall season. Despite how tasty these close-cousins of the original Whoopie pie may be, the deep, rich chocolate version with white, velvety filling remains the favorite.

The key to a perfect whoopies when the cookie rounds are soft and dense, rich and not too sweet. The fluffy, white filling complements the whoopie pie, and traditionally is made with vegetable shortening, often called “oleo” in Maine homes, rather than butter or margarine. This results in a rich, smooth filling that provides the perfect bite in-between the soft baked layers. Legend has it that the Whoopie pie may have been conceived during a time when cooks would want to use up their leftover cake batter in a practical, prudent way.

Many folks think of lobster or blueberries when they think of Maine, but us natives never forget about the whoopie pie.  There is even a whoopie pie festival held in Dover Foxcroft each summer when many, many bakers come out to see who has the best whoopie pie!

As far as I’m concerned, the whoopie pie originated in my Nana’s kitchen on the Buckmills Road in Bucksport, Maine – that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!  Here is her recipe:

For the “pies”

1C sugar                           ½ C shortening

2 egg yolks                       ½ tsp vanilla

2C flour                            1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp baking powder       1 tsp salt

1C milk                             5 Tbsp cocoa

Cream together shortening, sugar, egg yolks, and vanilla.  Mix dry ingredients, add alternately with milk to the creamed mixture.  Drop onto a non-stick cookie sheet with a spoon.  Bake for 10 minutes at 375.  Remove from oven and allow to cool completely.  Find pies that match each other in shape and size to fill.

Traditional filling

2C confectioners sugar                 ½ tsp salt

½ C shortening                              1 tsp vanilla

2 egg whites

Beat all ingredients together with mixer until fluffy.  Sandwich a generous portion of the filling between paired pies!

Alternate filling (no egg whites)

6 heaping teaspoons of fluff        4 Tbsp milk

4C confectioners sugar                 3 Tbsp vanilla

4 Tbsp flour                                   1 ½ C shortening

With a mixer cream shortening.  Add fluff and mix.  Add milk, vanilla, and flour.  Once mixed slowly add confectioners sugar until filling reaches the right consistency (thickness).  Mix to remove all lumps, until smooth.  Sandwich a generous portion of the filling between paired pies.

Liberties: I have colored the filling red and green for Christmas, pastels for Easter, even red, white and blue for the 4^th of July.  Makes for an even more festive treat!

Please enjoy, have some fun, and make a little WHOOPIE!